A friend of mine went to her computer only to find that her boyfriend did not sign off after using it. She had been obsessed with what he was doing, and where he was, when he was not with her. She could not control the temptation of a search through his e-mails. She found that he had signed up on a dating site. After reading all of the e-mails and chat messages, she made a decision to “protect” him from these “wicked women,” who were not good for him. After all, she loved him. She wrote all of his contacts on the e-mail list, stating he was not interested at this time, and that he was in a serious relationship he wanted to explore.

There are many cell phones checked for revealing messages that would support a jealous person’s fear of possible infidelity.

A child sits at the table watching all of those who used to pay attention to him, now paying attention to his newborn brother. The child secretly hates his baby brother, and these uncomfortable feelings mount into sibling rivalry.

A husband senses a change in his wife’s behavior, and repeatedly accuses her of cheating. He becomes obsessed with her whereabouts.

Another person I know was having a fling with a married man. She became jealous when his wife was scheduled to come to the condo in Florida, where she had been staying with him. The “other woman” was expected to leave. Before her departure, she placed a few sexy articles where she knew the wife would find them.

A co-worker gets all of the praise and attention for the same work you believe you do better. You’re afraid she is going to take your clients, and get the promotion you deserve.

Jealousy could be thought of as a warning for something that needs to be fixed, protected, or as a sign of love. We often confuse jealousy and envy as the same thing, but they are slightly different.

Jealousy is a fear of loss, real or imagined, and a hatred towards that which threatens what you believe is yours.

Havelock Ellis describes jealousy as, “The dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.” Anyone who has read Shakespeare’s Othello knows that he murdered his wife in the belief that she was unfaithful. Lope de Vega writes, “There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.”

Jealousy is one of the worst and most uncomfortable emotions that creates an environment of destruction. Under the spell of jealousy, we may do dangerous and “stupid” things. With jealousy, we feel suspicion, anger, fear of loss, sadness, uncertainty, loneliness, distrust, anxiety, lack of being loved, insecurity, hatred and attachment. Often, it is based on fantasy, not facts. When we are too demanding, controlling, fearful, needy, and have a lack of self-esteem, it sets the scene for vulnerability. When hatred and fear mix together, there is trouble.

Envy is when I want something that someone else has, and I am afraid I cannot have it for myself. Emotions may start with envy, and grow into jealousy.

Envy is a feeling of inferiority, longing, resentment, ill-will, guilt, desire, rivalry, selfishness, and disapproval. You may want what someone else has, and you do not have the self-esteem and confidence to manifest it for yourself. The “have and the have nots” syndrome”

Many are confused about why people are jealous and envious of them. “Why do you want to hate me?” Some people may even choose to give up avoiding other people’s jealousy and envy. That solution will not work for long.

So, what is the solution? Develop self-esteem. Find a way of letting go of past painful experiences that are re-running through your life now and influencing you in a negative way. Realize it is the past, and today is a new day. Don’t let your imagination and fantasy lead you to unproven and false conclusions. Communicate with the person, and face the situation directly, before it gets out-of-hand. Recognize what you are doing and how you are living your life. Sense the pain of fear and loss, and then deal with those feelings in a healthy way. Shift from fear to self-improvement. Build trust.

Instead of burning candles and casting spells to get the person back, develop yourself so he, or she, wants you back.Think twice before you set someone up to be jealous or to get attention. It could very well backfire.

Why would I want someone who does not want me? Why would I want to obligate someone to love me? If someone does not teach and reflect back to me that I matter, then I need to find someone who does.